Why I Didn't Call

from Dork

Baby I was gonna call you first thing in the morning
I was getting dressed for work when suddenly without no warning
My roof came crashing down and I was pinned beneath the rubble
Baby if you look, you'll see there's concrete in my stubble
When the paramedics rescued me all that I could mumble
Was get me to a phone and help me dial up your number
When I was released I went out searching for a booth
To call you up and make a date I swear that is the truth
I asked a guy named Randy could you please lend me a quarter
He hit me on the head and held my body under water
Until I agreed to come on board his L 10-11
Which didn't have a phone cause its from 1967
Then, of course, the plane went down somewhere in the Andes
First I ate the pilot and then I ate Randy
When I was finally found I was lethargic and fat
I didn't call cause I's ashamed for you to see me like that
But me and Richard Simmons got me right back into shape
I was anxious for to call you and reschedule our date
But Richard sure can talk, he's on the phone all the time
Yakin and a-gossiping and singing and crying
Eventually he left me for my neighbor next door
When he saw pizzas delivered at 2, 3, and 4
So now I was gonna call you but then it got frightening
The rain came down in buckets there was thunder and lightning
And you know I know someone who knew someone who died
By trying to make a phone call and his hand and ear got fried
So I resolved to ring when the wether subsides
The thing I wasn't counting on was the moon and tides
I was waiting in the kitchen chowin down on a salami
When everything got flooded from a eighty foot tsunami
I was carried out to sea and joined a school of dolphins
But you know I get real seasick and I couldn't keep from rolfing Which apparently is impolite in sea mammal society
Who'd've pictured porpoises proponents of propriety
So I got expelled from school and started swimming toward shore
Got there bought a paper, read the headline WORLD WAR
As you know I'm not a coward so i immediately enlisted
They almost didn't let me in, some crap about being limp wristed But they shipped me out to god knows where to fight for god knows what
God knows why but we sure did kick god knows who's butt
All day we were fighting, and charlie owns the night
So I couldn't call you then cause I was doing what was right
Well my legs got filled with schrapnel while wading through a paddy
Now I'm stateside there's this amerasian girl who calls me daddy I took a migrant farmin job to raise a little money
So I could spend it all on you cause you're my pookie you're my honey
Farming is a job that's filled with toil and with pressure
I looked the other way my arms got ripped off in a thresher
There was no one else around the ground in blood was getting doused
So I didn't have no choice except to kick them to them to the house
But you cannot make a phone call if you do not have no hands
But the only thing I really want to do is be your man
There was a special neurosurgeon and he reattached my limbs
There's no way I'll ever find the words I have to say to him
So now we bump into each other and you say I'm looking well
Frankly baby tryin to call you has been putting me through hell
But apparently it's kismet though you don't believe in fate
I'm really thrilled to see you we should get together wait
I just got this idea it kind of hit me like a truck
My place is just a mile from here we can go back there and....
talk. No? OK. Bye ... I'll call you.